It was supposed to be a short insta post. But I kept on writing and writing and I could continue for hours to tell you everything I’ve learned so far. Because stories are what fills our hearts with inspiration. However, let’s go slow. One step at a time.
I kept on scrolling, hungry for more knowledge, more ideas, more motivation. There is so much information here on how to “correct yourself”. But no advice has helped me as much as looking inside myself. And I know I am a hypocrite writing this on Instagram, while it’s a regular factor in my insecurities and a constant struggle to feel good about myself. I come back here, though, to share the discovery of my own unique code — a code to peace of mind, a feeling of completeness, and happiness in a balanced life. It’s nothing fancy. No big “aha” moment. Just a quiet, slow path inward.
To actually hear what your inner voice is saying, you have to remove all the noise around you. And if you have been, as I have for 35 years of my life, silencing that voice by surrounding yourself with all possible distractions, it will seem hard, it will feel uncomfortable and sometimes even impossible to understand it. Or trust it. Because what’s new and unknown may be unsettling, and may seem dangerous to your nervous system — the one that has been upholding the position of defence throughout your whole life.
I’ve heard so many times: “Natalia, you’re stressed, you’re tense, you should rest, you’re doing too much, you get so easily irritated, you stress others around you with your reactions, you’re suppressing your emotions.” And of course I would deny all that, because I was convinced I was all right. I was great!
I couldn’t see the damage, because I was blind — but also because I didn’t know how a relaxed person actually feels. But at some point in my life I admitted that it ain’t right to be so tired of living, to feel so lost and misunderstood most of the time.
So I have been slowly opening my heart and widening my perspective, layer by layer removing pieces of the armour protecting me from being hurt, year by year turning pride into humility and cultivating mindfulness.
Every time I would choose to outsource good energy by scrolling, writing to someone, working, or nurturing unhealthy eating habits, I would silence whatever the body was trying to communicate to me. These distractions line up and block the path to my heart — the part of me that speaks the truth. The more distractions I believe I need, the more my inner voice needs me to actually stop and listen. The more discomfort I feel, the more attention it requires.
All the advice I heard or read only made me more anxious, less worthy, not good enough, not trying hard enough. What it took for me was a switch — a decision to start, to ignite the change. Then my own, unique path to the state of true comfort and ventral vagal began. I was the only one who could unlock the way. It’s built of my personal needs, a healthy comfort zone, limits and boundaries, the language of love, my dreams. All of that requires reviewing from the perspective of a free heart. Not fearful. Not broken. Not incomplete. And no advice will help you with that as much as just looking inward.
I’m not in happyland. This is not the finish line. I just can finally say that I know, listen to and understand myself. Just that.
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